When I Was Five I Killed Myself - Howard Buten

This is the story of an eight year old boy in a correctional facility, in his own words, as scribbled on the walls of the "Quiet Room".

Burt was a relatively normal eight year old boy, who enjoyed going to school and playing Zorro with his friends. He was just starting to notice girls and feelings below his tummy, as he puts it. He strikes up a friendship with Jessica, a girl from school, which, after he acts on his fondness in the wrong way, gets him sent to the Children's Trust Residents Centre, where he deals with psychologists and doctors, trying to figure out why he did what he did, but Burt doesn't give them an inch. They spend all their meetings trying to get Burt to talk to them and to open up, but he remains silent. His outlet comes from writing on the walls of the quiet room, and this book is that scribbling. The book shows us how innocent actions and words bring about misunderstandings between adults and children which have severe consequences. We get to see these conversations from Burt's side, and have him explain the things he says, which the adults take to be signs and symptoms, but mostly have rational innocent explanations.

Now, lets give this book a bit of context. Howard Buten, the author, is an internationally recognised expert on Autism. He has studied the disorder and worked as a researcher, clinical psychologist and therapist for children with the disorder. Also he is a professional clown. So Howard knows how children work, and he knows how therapy for children works, and he must have experience with the sort of place Burt finds himself in. Also, Buten is a violin player, but that isn't relevant to the book. (Really I am just amazed at all the hats this man wears).

So, with Howard's background, this book gets a whole lot deeper. Is Burt receiving adequate care? It is clear that his main therapist, Dr Nevele, who diagnoses Burt with sociopathy, then paranoia, is not providing the care Burt needs. As we see things through Burts eyes, and know why he acts the way he does and why he says the things he says, we know Dr Nevele is far off the mark. A ray of hope is offered through Rudyard - a young maverick therapist, who tries to understand Burt and sees that there is little wrong with him, but Rudyard is ruffling feathers with his unorthodox methods. Will he be able to continue to treat Burt once Dr Nevele takes a dislike to him?

Throughout the backstory, Burt is a good little boy, who only gets into trouble through his curiosity. He isn't deliberately naughty or a rule breaker. Jessica though, is a naughty kid. She does break the rules and rebels. Maybe the teachers and parents need to look at general behaviour in the past before they can pass their diagnosis?

This book will keep you wondering what Burt did to end up in this place. We know it is something he did to Jessica, and it hints she is dead to start with, but later revealed she is hospitalised. Burt must have done something awful to wind up in this facility, and to be diagnosed the way he is. It is even decided that his parents shouldn't visit as he is too dangerous. Make up your own mind once you find out the details of the incident that landed him here.

I've read a few reviews of this book online, and the big topic seems to be whether or not Burt is autistic. Given Buten's background on autism, it seems like a natural conclusion would be that Burt is an autistic little boy, and the adults around him don't understand him because of this. I am no expert on the disorder by any means, but the little I know about the disorder leads me to think that Burt does not have it. There isn't any glaring clues in the book, the only ones I can think of are his refusal to talk to doctors and his temper tantrums. Maybe I've missed something, maybe this book is even subtler than I thought. The natural comparison here is The Curious Incident f the Dog in the Nighttime, which is follows an autistic 15 year old boy. Other than being told through the eyes of children, I'm not sure how similar these books are. When I was Five is much darker, and I think the main point of the book is that there is nothing wrong with Burt, whereas in the curious incident the whole theme is the autism. Normalcy is the point here, and that Burt is a regular kid who finds himself in this place, and the prejudices or misunderstandings of the adults lead them to think he is severely unwell. Just a quick warning - some of the reviews I found had some fairly major spoilers so tread carefully. This book is hard to discuss without giving the story away.

I really enjoyed this book, and have been thinking about it since I finished it. Lots of layers and lots of food for thought, Buten is clearly a very talented man. I'd give this book a strong 8.5. Another interesting tidbit is that though this book is largely unknown in the English speaking world, the French translation was a phenomenon. Is is reporteded that on in ten people on France who can read have read this book.


What do you think? Did you like this book? Love it or hate it? Let me know in the comments